Should it be on Marriage?
Should it be on Family?
What about just a child’s development?
What about something that works for ALL three?
When I was young I viewed FORGIVENESS as something weak. Something you do to admit defeat. Something you do in battle when you are totally exhausted, spent, and frustrated…you have given up, you have admitted that you NO longer can battle, war, or argue. So you throw up the white flag…you bow and apologize.
I couldn’t say I was sorry first…truly say I was sorry.
Okay, sure I could say SORRY…but I didn’t truly mean it, and therefore didn’t feel that I had given in.
I just couldn’t do it. Especially when I was in the wrong and had hurt someone. It was way too scary!
Until I met my husband. I fell so hard and so fast for the guy that I did about anything to keep him right by my side. (Which I am still fully happy I did!!! There is a purpose for admitting that!)
I found myself throughout our relationship, and now marriage, usually being the one to apologize first, whether I felt I was in the wrong or felt he was in the wrong. And each time I did, I felt like I had given in, that I was the weaker one, even feeling like I was losing a part of myself.
Don’t get me wrong…I was completely happy, and to be honest, we hardly ever fought. (Believe me…that is NOT necessarily the case now…lol…we bicker back and forth like siblings…but we were NEWLY weds then…you get my drift!)
But I found that I have a hard time holding a grudge and that I could easily forget that I was even mad. And being married…I found it much easier to just get it talked out and over with, then having to live in grudge and silence for days. So I would hug him, tell him I was sorry, and be done with it.
But it was really hard at first. And every instinct was telling me to NOT do that. To just stay mad…to NOT.GIVE.IN. It was hard for me to get over that feeling of being the “Weaker” one.
I remember watching a video of a therapist, who was interviewing a couple, who was having a hard time of marriage, and counseling was the final attempt to save what little was left of it. I am sorry, I don’t remember who the counselor was or what the video’s name is. (When I said that I watch and study all the time, I REALLY meant it, I can’t always remember where I saw or heard something, but I do remember the IMPACT of it. Just needed to clairfy.)
The counselor said this or something along the same lines as this, “When you are dealing with things pertaining to pride…you are usually dealing with something you have a strong FEAR of, so PRIDE protects your Fear, PRIDE becomes your excuse.”
Think on THAT! Isn’t it great? As I rolled that around in my thoughts, I instantly asked myself WHAT am I afraid of that I can’t apologize? Or that I feel WEAK when I apologize?
And I instantly thought of what it was, as if I was in darkness and the LIGHT WAS CLICKED ON. I was afraid of losing control of the relationship.
I HATE feeling out of CONTROL.
So when I was apologizing I was feeling like I had lost control…that I wasn’t controlling the outcome of what I wanted, that I couldn‘t CONTROL my husband or MAKE him come to me to apologize.
Then I realized, that by apologizing I was really having COURAGE.
It took a lot, and still does take a lot, for me to step up and apologize for something that I am truly in the wrong for. I don’t like admitting I was wrong or that I had hurt someone, especially when it wasn’t on purpose. But that doesn’t stop it from being wrong.
I understand now, that getting over my fear, and stepping out of my comfort zone, letting the wall, MY PRIDE, tumble down…that I am actually quite STRONG!!! And maybe even venture out and say, BRAVE!
Being able to FORGIVE is also very FREE-ing. You don’t have to hold those feelings in! You can let them go and move on. You can’t CONTROL your spouse, significant other, or loved one. You can only control how YOU feel.
Why hold it in when all it is hurting is you?
All you can do is work on yourself.
Some people aren’t willing to change or try new things…like saying, ‘I’m sorry‘. So why worry yourself over it…or wait for something that will never be?
Make yourself HAPPY…and in turn, you will make those around you happy.
And I feel like a BIG step in a relationship, whether it be one your in with your spouse, child, family member, or friend, forgiveness can be KEY to maintaining a strong relationship.
Including forgiving YOURSELF.
So I ask you to look at YOUR weakest relationship, the one that makes you MOST unhappy. What is your fear? Is there something that needs to be let go? Can you forgive yourself…or the other person involved? Will it be worth it?
I hope this helps. And of course, every experience and person is different. Let me learn from you guys also. Tell me what works for you!
Can you be BRAVE? What is hard for you to forgive? What might you be afraid of?
|Shelle is a wife of 1 and a Mom of 2. Lifelong member of the Church. She is a graduate in Marriage and Family Science from Brigham Young University. Shelle also believes in living life one laugh at a time! Find out more about Shelle on her personal blog, BlokThoughts.|