Judge Me for Who I am Not for Where I’ve Been

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a close friend of mine about what it’s like being divorced/single in a church that is so focused on marriage and families.

My friend is married, never been divorced and a strong member of the church all her life. She has four children like me and has a very similar style and outlook to life that I do. We sat in a café at Sainsbury’s {a British food/drink chainstore} for almost 2 hours just talking about this subject and what I come to realise is that whatever situation we are in we are holding the same cards of worries, concerns, trials and insecurities.

Single people just have one extra that seems to come with quite a weight to it. However, in research for the last part of my book {that’s not saying the beginning or the middle is fully complete yet!} I did a little experiment of my own. It doesn’t take long for people to pick up that I’m single in the eyes of the church, but for a few days with the things I was doing, I was particular about not hinting or revealing in any way that I was not married.

The way I was greeted was different, more accepting, but that does not mean that I am greeted rudely with people who know my true situation, it’s just a little more enthusiastic I suppose. Anyway, for a couple of hours I allowed some people to think I was married, long, long time in the church and all was as good as perfect in my world. Surprisingly, I soon began to feel rather negative about myself, these people and the whole situation, even though I knew this was my experiment. Married women especially are more comfortable with married people, men just steer clear once the small pleasantries and handshake are done. None of it is unfriendly in any way but it is significantly different.

At the end of the time I was with these people I knew I had to be honest with them so I waited till they were in the same room and asked if I could say something. I got pleasant, quizzical looks waiting for me to say more. My heart was beating so fast, I hadn’t spoken any words that were untrue but how I put things across did mean I wasn’t being truthful. So I started with an apology, I admitted that I have allowed them to think I was married and I’m actually divorced. I confessed to being in the church for only 9 years, though I don’t know how many they thought I was in for, but I had to mention it.

Immediately I felt the mood change, I knew part of it was because they must have felt that I had played with them.

I took a deep breath and apologised to them from my heart that I had done this, but I needed to know, I needed to see if it was me that was putting people at a distance or if it was my situation. I acknowledged that I am aware I have been unfair but I pleaded for their forgiveness if they felt hurt by me.

One person, in private was very rude but that’s ok, she needed to be true to herself and tell me what was bothering her. I stood and listened, looked her in the eye, nodded and took notice of her feelings. For the next 30 minutes we traveled a journey, one that was priceless and very enlightening. This lady did forgive me but I had opened a door for her inside which she wasn’t prepared to open and for this she felt hurt by me. I apologised again but this time I didn’t reinforce my reasoning or explanations, I just wanted her to have an apology that was for her feelings only, not my defense.

Yes things were different for the rest of the hour I was there, yes there were comments about the route I’d taken and yes more comments were made about my marriage, my divorce and my membership. I answered truthfully to their questions but I did refrain from answering any questions regarding my ex because I do feel that isn’t fair and neither is it necessary for them to know my personal feelings on it all. However, once that had died down conversations moved on to other things, thankfully and we all still laughed and worked and got on with what we were doing. I still had hugs when I made someone laugh, I was still bid goodbye when someone left and I was still offered to be part of the conversations. Married people aren’t aliens or uncaring, totally the opposite, they are wonderful, warm and decent people, just like singletons!

The end result is it’s not me that married people struggle with, it’s my situation. Most members don’t know how to react to divorced/single people and that’s ok, being one of the growing elite world of divorced/single is almost a school subject of it’s own!

I look back now and can only say that what I done could have cost a lot more to me and these precious people, what I done wasn’t good and it wasn’t fair. No I will not being trying something like that again. However, what I did learn from it has now given me some self assurance back that I am not some weirdo that has dropped out of the sky landing on someone’s grandma, but instead my singleton status leaves many misunderstood feelings as well as a shortage of words. I did find myself assuring people that being single at this part of my life is not a bad thing, it’s a preparation for me on one hand and a conclusion on the other.

Conclusion: This part of my life, post divorce means that I can not only look back and assess my marriage for the good and bad but I can look back on any patterns of my former relationships, the kind of people I am attracted to. The person I am in a relationship, how I conduct myself in a relationship, what my expectations are and what I can perhaps learn from and move forward with in the future. {all kinds of relationships not just personal ones} It’s also time to reflect back on my adult life, not just as a mother but as a person. Check out how I am perceived to other adults, regardless of their status. It is now that I am able to candidly look back and decide what is to go forward and what is to stay in the past. Very much like a process of elimination on my adult being and what I have gained so far.

Preparation: Am I all I can be for myself? That will always be a no, because life and circumstances change all the time but its a good question to remind us to move with our own lifestyle and abilities. Am I where I want to be and if not which part do I need to do next to get there? Is where I want to go a desire for righteousness or is it a worldly want? Have I learned to empower a relationship or just hang in there? Do I know how to accept and give on the reality of men and women being made so differently? Have I learned to compromise, step back, understand and love unconditionally without compromising myself? Do I step up in the right way at the right time and do all I can do for someone? Away from the relationship thing, a single person is also in the ideal situation to do what we can to achieve our personal goals too. Education, service, emotional/mental/spiritual/physical health and fitness, friendships, communications, talents, family relationships and work even are all factors in our lives somewhere that is a lifelong work in progress but as a singleton {love that word!} it takes off one card from the deck to give us the opportunity to build up to where we want/need to be. However, I do not endorse single living!! Heavenly Fathers plan was for us to marry well, multiply and replenish the earth. Unfortunately some best laid plans fall apart and we find ourselves in situations that are not of God’s plan but that does not mean the He loves us less or is less mindful of us.

In fact Gordon B Hinckley says:

“Somehow we have put a badge on this large group. It reads `singles.’ I wish we would not do that. You are individuals, men and women, sons and daughters of God, not a mass of `look-alikes’ or `do-alikes.’ Because you do not happen to be married does not make you essentially different from others,” said President Hinckley.

“We have our individual problems and concerns, and I know of no one in this world who is entirely without these, be he or she single or married,” continued President Hinckley, who gave the closing address.

President Hinckley then spoke of the four major groups of single people in the Church: recently returned missionaries, single sisters, single parents, and those who have lost a companion to death.

To the recently returned missionaries, President Hinckley said: “I do not worry about you . . . you know as well as I what you ought to do. It is your responsibility and opportunity, under the natural process of dating and courting, to find a wonderful companion and marry in the House of the Lord.”

President Hinckley counseled the single sisters in the Church to get involved in service. “You are needed,” he said. “There are young people to be taught in the organizations of the Church. Refine your skills. Accept every challenge and assignment. Put time and effort into the preparation of your lessons. Keep your spiritual batteries at full charge and light the lamps of others. It is better to light one candle than to curse the dark.

To single parents who are striving to raise righteous children, President Hinckley said: “This is a lonely duty. But you need not be entirely alone. There are many . . . who would reach out to you with sensitivity and understanding.”

To those who are widowed, President Hinckley counseled: “You, too, have great talent to enrich the lives of others. You will find comfort and strength as you lose yourself in this service.”

In President Hunter’s opening address, he emphasized that the Church is for all members. “All of us, single or married, have individual identities and needs, among which is the desire to be seen as a worthwhile individual child of God. The gospel we preach is the gospel of Jesus Christ, which encompasses all the saving ordinances and covenants necessary to save and exalt every individual who is willing to accept Christ and keep the commandments which He and our Father in Heaven have given.” Each person must individually work out his own salvation, observed the president of the Council of the Twelve.

President Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor in the First Presidency, and President Howard W Hunter of the Council of the Twelve addressed the thousands of people gathered in the Tabernacle on Temple Square.

If anyone reading this is also single for any reason, I urge you to research the hundreds of talks that President Hinckley has given. It’s always easier to say than do, but I know from my own experience that when we put aside our fears, doubts, annoyances, frustrations and just throw ourselves into some kind of service the Lord walks with us, He puts little things in there to soften our hearts, open our minds and just let us know we are doing ok. WE are the ones that set the guidelines, we are the ones that allow ourselves to BE different when really we need to TRY and educate those that don’t understand single life, love them and be an example to them because after all, they are our example right?

The fact that President Hinckley {and other church leaders} have continuously talked of supporting single people only proves to me that Heavenly Father IS mindful of it, He is aware that there’s some concerns and we ALL need educating on it. The bottom line is, whether we are married or divorced or widowed, we are all equal in the eyes of the Lord, and I urge singletons as well as married people to reach out to each other, because when all is said and done, we are all in this together for the same reason!

I know each time I look at any temple building or talk/hear of the temple I get a feeling of such peace and surety that I am a precious daughter of God. I look at it and feel that the imperfections of me and my life is all so irrelevant on the eternal scope, that I have hope, faith, courage and a great blessing to actually be here in this world to show my Heavenly Father that no matter how things go wrong I am trying to get back to Him. When I look at a temple all else feels irrelevant, like I have the ability to immediately see a perspective that I can achieve if I just keep going, and how special, grateful and hopeful does that make ME feel?!!

My personal mission in April is to invite married female friends to do something fun in my home, let them get to know me and see a little of my happy, healthy, strong little world that doesn’t get seen on a Sunday!

Debs is a convert to the church, a divorced mum and refuses for the adversay to be the prominent being in her life! More waffle over on Life as Me.